A6

BY BILL CLARKE

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Did you know that, just as a group of lions is a pride and it's a gaggle of geese, a group of porcupines is called a "prickle?" Honest it is.

This is not a column dealing with groups of animals, at least not in any normal sense. It is, however, a call for a greatly enlarged prickle. The New Porcupine Party needs you.

For those who aren't familiar with the party, I will explain that it was formed in desperation when the major political parties began to take themselves seriously. It gets its name, not because the average elected representative has the intelligence of a porcupine, but because porcupines have so many good points. The party has an enviable record, having never lost an election. It achieves this by not fielding candidates. No other party can claim that.

It seems obvious that a federal election is not far off, so it's time for the NPP to resurface - to climb down from the trees, as it were. As long as we stay off the highways, we'll be fine.

As leader of the New Porcupine Party, I have been working on a platform. Whenever Stephen Harper goes to the GG and says, "We can't govern; let's do the election thing," we'll be ready. (Of course, the G. G., in her charming way, will say, "so what's new.")

We promise to solve the population problem in the Maritimes. We'll put an end to migration to the west. We'll put tolls on all highways leading west. Those tolls won't be per vehicle, they'll be per person, and they'll be graduated: Children free; high school graduates, $1 per kilometre; university grads, $5 per km per degree. That's at least 15 bucks for anyone with a Ph.D.

That should reduce the number of people heading to the oil fields. We can use the money collected to encourage people to leave the hectic life of Alberta for the peace and relaxation of the east.

We also have a solution to Arctic sovereignty. We'll arm belugas. While we're at it, we'll issue a few weapons to northern fur seals, walruses (walri?) and other marine mammals. I bet even American super tanker captains will think twice before heading into treacherous waters where the porpoises have torpedoes.

We thought about arming polar bears, but since they're sworn enemies of seals, that might defeat the purpose.

The House of Commons sits idle for a good part of the year. This is a waste of taxpayer dollars. We must find a use for it. Casinos are all the rage. Need I say more. Most of our money ends up in Ottawa anyway. We might as well get some fun out of it. I'm pretty sure some senators could be trained as blackjack dealers.

And we could do something to reform the way the House works. There's so much bickering, so much endless debate that changes nothing. There must be a simpler way to settle disagreements between members. Pistols at ten paces, I say. It would lead to countless by-elections and elections stimulate the economy. They are particularly beneficial to the mass media.

We'd put New Brunswick on the map by digging a canal from the Restigouche to the St. John River, and another one between this province and Nova Scotia, turning the whole thing into an island. Islands are tourist Meccas, so why shouldn't we take advantage of the trend. We could rival the Caribbean. After all, they only have one season to speak of. We have four. Well, some years we have four seasons. In others, it may be two or three. That just adds to the suspense. People would have to come just to find out what season it really is.

That's just the beginning. There will be more.

Porkies of Canada, unite! Your country needs you!